I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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