what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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