Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's blow job season.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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