Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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