Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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