You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I think I sprained my soul last night
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
