foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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