I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
