So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
