Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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