just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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