remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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