You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
