god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
