The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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