Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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