I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
wanna go halves on a baby?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
