woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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