Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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