just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
