You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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