Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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