I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
