I wish life had little blips of pornography
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
