You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize
