i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
