All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I wish there were birth control emojis
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
