My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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