I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
