Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
