How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
