I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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