Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
