Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
