And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
