Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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