You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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