ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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