I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
