god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
only you would photoshop your dick
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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