There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
