She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
