Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
