Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
