Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
