You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
