Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Is it because I queefed?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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