Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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