i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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