Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
