I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
